INDEPENDENT: The Bad and The Ugly

I hate I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T bitches.

I'm just so over this movement I don't know what to do. And to all the supporters and lovers of the "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" movement I just want you to keep these questions in mind as you read:


How are you going to "independently" be in a relationship?
How can you be "independently" married?
How are you "independently" a family?
How are you "independently" having sex with another person?

I just don't get it. I mean, maybe if I was part of  I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T movement I might be ok with this new found sense of getting something for nothing but I don't agree with "independently" going to work, "independently" paying bills, "independently" taking care of my son and then letting a nigga come fuck up my sheets...I might as well do that shit "independently" too. I mean, you want me to do all this at STILL give you some at the end of the day and you're not even gone leave me a tip on the nightstand in the morning? I don't care how you have me crawling up the walls, that shit is work too!

I saw a girl on Twitter who said that she believed the  "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" movement ruined the way black men and women relate to each other and it did. The natural balance of things is for men to provide and women to comfort. By instinct alone, a man wants to protect, provide for and support a woman and by the same right women gravitate towards doing all the stuff men are too tired to do after protecting, providing for and supporting all day. That's why we naturally want to cook for, check up on and all around cater to our man. Whether he's deserving or not, a woman feels like if it's her man (or just a dude we're "dealing with") she should do all the things he needs. And I don't do think it's anything wrong with that.

But if you're jumping around the club, tombout I.N.D.E this or five star that (I still love Yo Gotti though, *smooches*) or whatever else and all you need is that dick, how do you think that makes him feel? Especially when your bag is pleather, your shoes leant (yes, leant), your weave is nappy and your conversation is mediocre. Therefore, he treats you like all he need is that pussy and you all on Facebook saying how grief stricken you are. It goes so much deeper than that for me because the I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T movement provides this false sense of security and powerfulness in women, so that when you do need his help he looking at you like "Bitch, I thought you was independent?"

The most horrible thing about this whole movement is that women like me, who refuse to be used, lose in this situation. Why? Because when I let a man know, I am going to ask you for stuff and I don't like to be told no, they look at me like I'm crazy and I'm living in the twilight zone. Men say that they want an "independent" chick and that's cool because who wants a bitch that's just trying to suck your pockets dry, but you want me to do EVERYTHING for myself and STILL give you some?

Not that I'm this big spoiled baby, but I work hard everyday and have stresses coming from all angles. Being involved with a man is not supposed to increase these stresses. I know that no relationship is perfect or stress free but if you can't help me at least maintain but eventually improve my quality of life, there's no since in you being around. I use this philosophy when it comes to friends and jobs and men aren't any different because they have the secret weapon between their legs.

I love, love, love, love the secret weapon that men have but it's more to life than that. And when I say "improve my quality of life" that's not neccesarily "give me your whole check"...Like, if I work late on Friday's and you can take my son to the barber shop with you, that's what's up. If you can get your friends to buy clothes and pictures from me, that's what's up. If you can even fill my tank once a week to save me $50 to use towards the start up costs for my site, that's what's up...BUT if all you want is for me to come through between 10 and 5 and leave empty handed OR share all the amenities I "independently" earned, you got me wrong. Cuz shorty go her own, not OUR own right?

This may seem like gold digging or using to some but the great Mr. West (Kanye that is) said "Everybody gets used for something. If nobody can use you for anything, then consider yourself useless." So, it's something that everybody goes through. You wouldn't have a job if you couldn't provide whatever service for your employer and your employer wouldn't have you if they didn't have the money to pay you.

So, really it's not about "using", it's about knowing what you want and being able to turn away from whatever doesn't provide that. And I know what I want and it's cool that I haven't found it. I'll just be out here until then but it's two things I want to say. To the men of my generation, I just want to say all women are not "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T". I know it's a lot of them between 18-25 but it's not everybody. I just want to ask all the "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" women of the world to calm that shit down because y'all are making it harder for the women who are trying to build something other than a man "independently" being with us.

*steps off soapbox*

Living Single

One day about a year ago, I was riding the train and in front of me sat a man and woman and in front of them sat another man and woman. In between both couples sat nothing. Not even air. Both couples were kissing, molesting and attacking each other with great passion, zest and fire. And I sat there being nagged by a then 2 year old over some damn Gatorade.

Being relationship and PDA free for quite some time now was starting to settle in and the ugly little person in green clothing started to knock on the train window begging to be let in the train, my brain and my heart. That's when I realized I didn't want to be one of those people and that's why I'm still single.

By one of "those" people, I mean the people who live to be their  version of "in love" whether or not the relationship is meaningless, abusive and dead end drama filled. The people who are always one half of a nothing ass situation. The people who just have to be part of a duo, never a solo act.

Not to sound like a Bitter Betty or anything because being in loved, being loved and simply loving somebody are all great things, when done right and that's how I want to do it. I can't get caught up in the cold weather blues. Everybody has had the cold weather blues once or twice so don't act brand new. It happens around now, before the holidays and after the indian summer when you have that one last boo thang from the summer hanging on and you just jump headfirst into a relationship because he/she is still around. Now, I'm no angel lol. I do date and I...let's just say "have my fun", but over the past 18 months I have spent a lot of time getting myself together, getting to know myself and what value I bring to any kind of relationship I'm involved in and refuse to let my hard work go to waste.

Things like physical, emotional and financial (yes, financial) abuse are all things nobody deserves to go through, I have to think that if people took more time to discover themselves and what they are worth, they would be in a better postion to get out of and not tolerate these situations. Not saying that anybody deserves these things, but it's been proven that low self esteem is a big factor in keeping people in these situations and I just have to believe that if people took a little more time to know and love themselves then they could see when a ugly situation is rearing it's head.

All I'm saying is I love too hard to just give it away because it's cold outside or because I'm just tired of being alone. Being in love with yourself has to feel better than loving on a battlefield when you don't even know what the war is about. It can be hard to convince other people (and even yourself) that you don't need a second half especially this time of year when you're around friends and family and they look at you like you have a second head when you walk in alone. The reality of it is that if you have a part time, no good raggedy somebody on your side, people will look at you just as crazy so you might as well do you and keep your sanity.

One is the lonliest number but it can also be of the greatest. Every now and then, we have to take time to realize the power of one. You only get one heart and one person has the power to decide who is worthy of your love. One person has the power to decide on your happiness.  Only you know when to jump in and when to fall back and sometimes, you have to fall back in order to make the jump worth your time.

Long Distance Loving

      I'll never forget the first time I heard "Love from a distance". Ok, well I did forget some parts, but I was about 9 or so. My mom was cooking for some big deal (Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday or something) and she had me washing the dishes at the same time (Yea, she put me to work young, that's probably why I still can't wash dishes now lol). I didn't mind because I was having a good time eavesdropping while she was on the phone. I don't remember who she was talking about or what they did to piss her off but she said something like "Nah, I don't hate her, I'mma just love her from a distance."
     Me being 9 and all I stopped mid wash and did that lil thing dogs do when they kinda cock their head to one side a lil bit. I was hella confused because I thought that part of loving somebody was being close to them, especially if it was family or a close friend. How could you not see, hug, kiss, write, spend time with or talk to somebody who you "loved"? How could you not stand somebody and love them at the same time? How are you gonna put distance between you and somebody and y'all live in the same city? I think that was probably the first time I wrote my mom off as insane because as a kid, it made zero sense.

     Fast forward some years and I'm about 20, living the great life with a year of college, my own apartment and plenty of life experiences under my belt. I thought I knew firsthand about all the sayings old people say like "Make sure the left knows what the right is doing", "Don't trust anybody further than you can see em" and even "Once a cheater, always a cheater" so "Love from a distance" fell right in. I had fell out of a couple friendships and relationships by then and still had what I thought was love for the person even though I couldn't stand them and wouldn't even speak if I saw them. Yea, like I would see people and still get that same anger/hate/frustration/hurt/neglect or whatever feeling they last left me with. I would walk right past 'em at the mall, drive right off at a red light, see 'em at the club and act like I didn't know 'em hell I would definitely roll my eyes, but in my mind still knowing that this person was once valuable to me. I hadn't quite figured out what road I wanted to take with certain people so I would go off, not answer or make any phone calls and call it loving from a distance.

     It took a couple more friendship/relationship fall outs and about 4 more years for me to do it, but I learned this delicate practice not only involves distance, but love and forgiveness. I mean, you wouldn't be loving anybody from a distance if they hadn't done something that made you want to distance yourself. So, at 20 I had the distance thing down, but nobody told me about the forgiveness portion. And it's cool because honestly, I recently learned how to forgive and document (I say document instead of forgetting because honestly, I'm not going to forget anything but I can document in my mind without holding a grudge or being hung up on a certain issue) so I kinda worked it into this love from a distance thing.

     People who have fallen into my long distance love category range from childhood friends to blood siblings to ex boyfriends to the father of my son. I don't have any hate, hard feelings or ill wishes for these people. In fact, I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for them. I am generally concerned for their well being and wish them all the luck in the world for the roads they have decided to travel. I have just come to learn that everybody you fall in with doesn't have your best interest at heart (Hi B!). That doesn't mean they should be stricken from the record books, but it does mean that I don't have to or need to be bothered with these people. If you bring problems, negativity, bad karma or frankly if your bad out weighs your good, I don't need it. That doesn't mean I don't love people for the good they DID but if we aren't on the same path or if you are trying to knock me off mine, the love we had means nothing.

     So now, I can do this long distance love in peace, the right way. I can really love, appreciate and pray for people from the comfort and security of my own life without letting them or our past bring me down or drag me into their own confusion and it really feels good.