How many times have you thought about an ex? Your sister you don't talk to? Your middle school bff or anybody you many have fallen out with?

I know people say that all things end with time and we rarely have control over when that time is. From my experiences, whenever I get that feeling it's never when I'm ready for it. It comes at the wrong time when there are already so many other things going on and something just clicks and it's like "Ok, I don't have time for this situation anymore."

I haven't exactly booted a boatload of people out of my life, but at 25 there have been a lot of schoolyard/coworker/relationship/I-don't-want-to-ever-talk-to-you-again moments and they all happen the same way. Bullshit occurs, I dismiss it, repeat a few hundred times, major bullshit occurs, I go crazy, regular bullshit occurs, hype off major bullshit, regular bullshit or bullshitter is dismissed. And it often feels great, like at the end of the day when you take your bra off.

But once things calm down, the thoughts of said bullshit or bullshitter often creep back into my mind. And then I think, was I wrong? Did I handle things the correct way? Could things have been handled differently? Should I go back and apologize and in some cases, let the bullshitter know that I feel like I'm owed one?

With the increasing popularity of social networks, people can more easily access ones that once may have banished from their lives. So it's no longer as easy as moving or changing your number or jobs to disappear from the face of the Earth. A recent study showed that more and more people are using these can't-live-without-applications to apologize to people they used to bully, the girl who's boyfriend you slept with or even to confront people who they feel like owe them an apology.

On the surface I think it seems like a good idea to go and mend broken bonds but according to the study it does more harm than good. After so many years a person may have gotten over whatever the issue is or was and an overdue apology may actually just bring up bad memories especially if the person isn't ready or simply doesn't want to forgive. On the other hand, if you're doing the confronting, it can't possibly end well if the other person doesn't even feel as if they have committed a wrong.

The study revealed that most often times these overdue apologies are usually given out of guilt and to relieve the offender of any bad feelings NOT because a person is genuinely apologetic. And I don't disagree at all. I mean really, how sincere should one take an email apology? Even if that is the only form of communication available at least an attempt on a face-to-face meeting or telephone number exchange or something seems better than you spilling your guts via your keyboard. It doesn't really seem sincere, heartfelt or important for the other person to really know when you think about how easy it is to not read or see or forget to go back and read an email.

In all honesty, I believe that in some cases it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. I try not to go back and forth with people in and out of my life and if someone does something to be on the outs, they should stay there. Whether they're out at my choice or theirs doesn't matter. If the situation didn't end correctly, it doesn't matter. I hate to leave a wound open, but with time and some prayer, everything heals. Even me. With or without giving or getting the apology in question.

Apologizing is something that used to be rather difficult for me, especially because I thought I could never be wrong. Both things are something that I have been working on and I have to say that I've made major strides. One thing it's caused me to do is review all my past actions and relationships and wonder if there is anybody out there who feels like I've wronged them in one way or another and review how I feel about those who have wronged me. I have to say that pressing forward seems like the best option for me at this time.

There isn't a point in going out of your way to bring up old issues if you feel comfortable in your life now and don't need the approval or forgiveness of another person. There isn't a point in trying to force someone to see the errors in his or her ways or to prove how much you've changed. When it all boils down, no one, two or three people on this planet can judge us, our hearts or how we handle ourselves. So if you should have apologized years ago, take that up with your God. If you feel like you're owed an apology, take that up with your God. Pray to get over the situation. Pray that God forgives your mistakes and move on with your life. No social network apologies needed.

Long Distance Loving

      I'll never forget the first time I heard "Love from a distance". Ok, well I did forget some parts, but I was about 9 or so. My mom was cooking for some big deal (Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday or something) and she had me washing the dishes at the same time (Yea, she put me to work young, that's probably why I still can't wash dishes now lol). I didn't mind because I was having a good time eavesdropping while she was on the phone. I don't remember who she was talking about or what they did to piss her off but she said something like "Nah, I don't hate her, I'mma just love her from a distance."
     Me being 9 and all I stopped mid wash and did that lil thing dogs do when they kinda cock their head to one side a lil bit. I was hella confused because I thought that part of loving somebody was being close to them, especially if it was family or a close friend. How could you not see, hug, kiss, write, spend time with or talk to somebody who you "loved"? How could you not stand somebody and love them at the same time? How are you gonna put distance between you and somebody and y'all live in the same city? I think that was probably the first time I wrote my mom off as insane because as a kid, it made zero sense.

     Fast forward some years and I'm about 20, living the great life with a year of college, my own apartment and plenty of life experiences under my belt. I thought I knew firsthand about all the sayings old people say like "Make sure the left knows what the right is doing", "Don't trust anybody further than you can see em" and even "Once a cheater, always a cheater" so "Love from a distance" fell right in. I had fell out of a couple friendships and relationships by then and still had what I thought was love for the person even though I couldn't stand them and wouldn't even speak if I saw them. Yea, like I would see people and still get that same anger/hate/frustration/hurt/neglect or whatever feeling they last left me with. I would walk right past 'em at the mall, drive right off at a red light, see 'em at the club and act like I didn't know 'em hell I would definitely roll my eyes, but in my mind still knowing that this person was once valuable to me. I hadn't quite figured out what road I wanted to take with certain people so I would go off, not answer or make any phone calls and call it loving from a distance.

     It took a couple more friendship/relationship fall outs and about 4 more years for me to do it, but I learned this delicate practice not only involves distance, but love and forgiveness. I mean, you wouldn't be loving anybody from a distance if they hadn't done something that made you want to distance yourself. So, at 20 I had the distance thing down, but nobody told me about the forgiveness portion. And it's cool because honestly, I recently learned how to forgive and document (I say document instead of forgetting because honestly, I'm not going to forget anything but I can document in my mind without holding a grudge or being hung up on a certain issue) so I kinda worked it into this love from a distance thing.

     People who have fallen into my long distance love category range from childhood friends to blood siblings to ex boyfriends to the father of my son. I don't have any hate, hard feelings or ill wishes for these people. In fact, I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for them. I am generally concerned for their well being and wish them all the luck in the world for the roads they have decided to travel. I have just come to learn that everybody you fall in with doesn't have your best interest at heart (Hi B!). That doesn't mean they should be stricken from the record books, but it does mean that I don't have to or need to be bothered with these people. If you bring problems, negativity, bad karma or frankly if your bad out weighs your good, I don't need it. That doesn't mean I don't love people for the good they DID but if we aren't on the same path or if you are trying to knock me off mine, the love we had means nothing.

     So now, I can do this long distance love in peace, the right way. I can really love, appreciate and pray for people from the comfort and security of my own life without letting them or our past bring me down or drag me into their own confusion and it really feels good.

Step 1

Ok, so I was going to tell this to a good friend of mine but due to both of using Cricket (*evil rays to Cricket towers*), there was a series of missed calls, accidental voicemails and hang ups so I couldn't get through to her. However, I really have to get this off of my chest and since I can't tell her, I'll tell the world and hopefully somewhere, somebody will read this and be able to take something from it. Here goes...

When you have that gut feeling to do something, do it. When you always ALMOST do something, the thing thats holding you back is most of the time the devil presenting himself in the form of fear. Before I get onto my soapbox, let me tell you that I am not a religious zelic. I don't even go to church regulary but I do have a close relationship with my God. I do know that Him and his love for me and my son has helped me accomplish the things I have in the past year and right now I don't want you to miss out on the this. With each day I feel a new sense of life, a new chance to grow and learn new things. Each day I feel more and more blessed as blessings fall unto me uncontrollably. I feel and I am a different person inside and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. 

With that being said, I never would have experienced this feeling or know what this new life would be like if I had let fear of moving on and stepping out stop me. Whenever you are about to make a big move BUT or you were going to do this UNTIL don't let those things stop you. Whatever the obstacle is, know that it isn't permanent. These things are to be considered a test on two levels. A test from God to see how bad you want whatever is on the other side and an attempt from the Devil to deter you from your path. Sometimes, you have to take that step. Take that step and pray for God to guide your footsteps and take you down the right path in accordance to His will. Or better yet, just step out on faith. Just go and KNOW that everything is going to be ok. I don't want to sound like Nike commercial but Just Do It! I'll be praying for you.

Moving Day

I live in a pretty cool house (except it has no storage space really) in a pretty cool neighborhood (except it's in the middle of one of the murder capitals of the country). It's a pretty cool size (except we had to rearrange the layout to make enough room) with a pretty cool backyard (except the gate has to be rigged shut and the grass/weeds grow too damn fast). It has a pretty cool landlord (except he doesn't want to fix shit including the janky gate in the backyard that was responsible for Mitch running away) and pretty cool neighbors (except I think the one to left is a workaholic {work-a-ho-lic: someone who partakes in the smoking of work on any level; someone who lives and dies to smoke work, work, work therefore making said person a workaholic} and the one to the right has a daughter who is a workaholic).

     So, when the time came for me to decide whether to move or renew the lease, I took all of these things into consideration. I named all the good things about the apartment but noticed I wasn't able to allow myself to forget about the bad. No matter what positive I could come up with, I had a negative on deck ready to shut it down. Like I said, the landlord is cool but he doesn't want to fix anything. The neighbor is cool except when she is...I"ll say allegedly high. The yard is cool except anybody can walk in on the boys. Then I said to myself "Self, this house has a lot of amenities but look at all the exceptions you have to make for said amenities."

     It made me realize that by saying the house /yard/neighbor/landlord was cool EXCEPT, I was only trying to convince myself that these things are acceptable when in fact, they are not. I normally go back and forth on any decision I make because I want to look at things from all sides. If I think something is a good idea, I try to convince myself of any bad that may come out of it and the same if I think something is a bad move. Before I cancel anything out as bad, I try to convince myself as to how it may be good. In this siutation, it's definitely time to move. No more convincing myself that this is an ok situation. No need to stay in a situation that is presumed good until...
     ...until you think about all the negative that comes from said situation.
     ...until you realize that the good days are undeniably outnumbered by the bad ones.
     ...until the few amenities no longer make up for all the bullshit that comes along.

And just like that, I'm moving on and out of this house and away from anything or anybody that reminds me of this house. Anybody, anything that I have to convince myself to be a part of but without being able to forget about what I thought was negative has to go. Anything, anybody that I have had to question their loyalty to me or concern for my or my son's well being has to go. Anybody who isn't in me or Liky's best interest has to go. And that's that.
     So tomorrow, moving day, I'm going to take a look at everything going on that truck to be absolutely sure that only positive, encouraging vibes are going with me. And once I leave the key in the mailbox, and everything is on the way to the new house yea I'm going to cry. And I'm going to cry when I pull up into the new house, and probably when I put the boys to bed. And it'll be for this house and all the things that remind me of the house. Not because I'll miss it, but because I'm so excited to get started on my new beginning.