I live in a pretty cool house (except it has no storage space really) in a pretty cool neighborhood (except it's in the middle of one of the murder capitals of the country). It's a pretty cool size (except we had to rearrange the layout to make enough room) with a pretty cool backyard (except the gate has to be rigged shut and the grass/weeds grow too damn fast). It has a pretty cool landlord (except he doesn't want to fix shit including the janky gate in the backyard that was responsible for Mitch running away) and pretty cool neighbors (except I think the one to left is a workaholic {work-a-ho-lic: someone who partakes in the smoking of work on any level; someone who lives and dies to smoke work, work, work therefore making said person a workaholic} and the one to the right has a daughter who is a workaholic).
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So, when the time came for me to decide whether to move or renew the lease, I took all of these things into consideration. I named all the good things about the apartment but noticed I wasn't able to allow myself to forget about the bad. No matter what positive I could come up with, I had a negative on deck ready to shut it down. Like I said, the landlord is cool but he doesn't want to fix anything. The neighbor is cool except when she is...I"ll say allegedly high. The yard is cool except anybody can walk in on the boys. Then I said to myself "Self, this house has a lot of amenities but look at all the exceptions you have to make for said amenities."
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It made me realize that by saying the house /yard/neighbor/landlord was cool EXCEPT, I was only trying to convince myself that these things are acceptable when in fact, they are not. I normally go back and forth on any decision I make because I want to look at things from all sides. If I think something is a good idea, I try to convince myself of any bad that may come out of it and the same if I think something is a bad move. Before I cancel anything out as bad, I try to convince myself as to how it may be good. In this siutation, it's definitely time to move. No more convincing myself that this is an ok situation. No need to stay in a situation that is presumed good until...
...until you think about all the negative that comes from said situation.
...until you realize that the good days are undeniably outnumbered by the bad ones.
...until the few amenities no longer make up for all the bullshit that comes along.
And just like that, I'm moving on and out of this house and away from anything or anybody that reminds me of this house. Anybody, anything that I have to convince myself to be a part of but without being able to forget about what I thought was negative has to go. Anything, anybody that I have had to question their loyalty to me or concern for my or my son's well being has to go. Anybody who isn't in me or Liky's best interest has to go. And that's that.
So tomorrow, moving day, I'm going to take a look at everything going on that truck to be absolutely sure that only positive, encouraging vibes are going with me. And once I leave the key in the mailbox, and everything is on the way to the new house yea I'm going to cry. And I'm going to cry when I pull up into the new house, and probably when I put the boys to bed. And it'll be for this house and all the things that remind me of the house. Not because I'll miss it, but because I'm so excited to get started on my new beginning.
