Piercing or Tattoo or What Would You Do?

24 and a half years ago, I was born. When I looked back, some really bad things happened in May 1985 from a record number of tornadoes to a cyclone killing 10,000 in Bangladesh. Some good stuff happened too like Madonna's "Crazy For You" being #1 (ok, so I really don't know this song, but it sounds good) and Micheal Jordan was named NBA "Rookie of the Year", but most importantly (***sounds trumpets***) I WAS BORN!!!

Time really flew and I grew up fast. I lived a really, really, really, really, really, really crazy life (yes, that many really's). I learned a lot of lessons waaaaaay before a child should have to and forced to move through life skipping chapters and missing out on a lot from growing up so fast. I thought I had seen, done, been through and survived so much that by 17 I thought 25 was old. For real, my rationing was that by 25 you should be buying your first house, already married or looking to get married, established in your career field and ready to start getting old. I swear 25 was like middle age to me.

I believed this until about 2-4 months ago somebody asked me how old I was and I said 23. Then whoever I was with said, "No, bitch you 24 now. Yea, you getting up there!" And like a dagger through my heart, my stomach fell, shoulders humped, jaw dropped, eyes popped and I realized...I am getting old. So I've been slumping around town about being 25 in six months and getting the *girl, get yo' ass outta here* side eye from everybody.

The consensus seems to be that 25 is the best age to be. Right in the middle of life where you have (or should have) learned most of life's lesson and be in a great position to secure the future of your dreams. 25 is the age where you are definitely no longer a kid and getting ready to mark your place firmly in Adulthood or Aintshitnessville. Best of all, 25 is the around the age of a woman's sexual peak (yes, I'm very excited about this)!!!

So now, after being reassured that there's lots more life to live and I don't have put a pair of reader's and a cane on my Christmas list, I have to decide what to do to document the occasion. Since I've considered myself an "adult" I have always did something monumental (at least for me) on every major birthday:


16- Lost my virginity (yea, I was trying to make it like a movie but it was anything but. That's a whole 'notha story though)

18- Went to prom (yes, senior prom was on my birthday. I thought I was the shit!) and got my tongue pierced with Brittany

21- Had Malik ( or was preggers at least. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how it was and it was pretty monumental.) and went to go see Gucci Mane (FREE GUCCI!) perform my all time Gucci favorite "Go 'Head" (or "Shorty Got A Ass On Her" for those of you who make up song titles) with Michelle and some other girl.

It's only been 3 birthdays but I'd like to "keep the party going" and continue with the tradition at 25 and I don't know what to do to mark me being a quarter of a century old. I guess 25 does sound old when you put it like that but that's my point. 25 is old and young and I am right where I should be. So I want to do something extra stupid crazy to mark the occasion.

I was thinking something like a tatoo or another piercing since I'm so over my tongue ring...Maybe go somewhere I haven't been yet like NY/LA...Cut all my hair off...See that last one is a NO GO! I can't do something crazy like rock a effin low cut! No offense to the low cut women of the world, I just know my head and a low cut is like fat people in little cars. JUST WRONG! So this is a plea to all of my innanet friends worldwide, older and younger than 25. What should I do for my 25th birthday????

Living Single

One day about a year ago, I was riding the train and in front of me sat a man and woman and in front of them sat another man and woman. In between both couples sat nothing. Not even air. Both couples were kissing, molesting and attacking each other with great passion, zest and fire. And I sat there being nagged by a then 2 year old over some damn Gatorade.

Being relationship and PDA free for quite some time now was starting to settle in and the ugly little person in green clothing started to knock on the train window begging to be let in the train, my brain and my heart. That's when I realized I didn't want to be one of those people and that's why I'm still single.

By one of "those" people, I mean the people who live to be their  version of "in love" whether or not the relationship is meaningless, abusive and dead end drama filled. The people who are always one half of a nothing ass situation. The people who just have to be part of a duo, never a solo act.

Not to sound like a Bitter Betty or anything because being in loved, being loved and simply loving somebody are all great things, when done right and that's how I want to do it. I can't get caught up in the cold weather blues. Everybody has had the cold weather blues once or twice so don't act brand new. It happens around now, before the holidays and after the indian summer when you have that one last boo thang from the summer hanging on and you just jump headfirst into a relationship because he/she is still around. Now, I'm no angel lol. I do date and I...let's just say "have my fun", but over the past 18 months I have spent a lot of time getting myself together, getting to know myself and what value I bring to any kind of relationship I'm involved in and refuse to let my hard work go to waste.

Things like physical, emotional and financial (yes, financial) abuse are all things nobody deserves to go through, I have to think that if people took more time to discover themselves and what they are worth, they would be in a better postion to get out of and not tolerate these situations. Not saying that anybody deserves these things, but it's been proven that low self esteem is a big factor in keeping people in these situations and I just have to believe that if people took a little more time to know and love themselves then they could see when a ugly situation is rearing it's head.

All I'm saying is I love too hard to just give it away because it's cold outside or because I'm just tired of being alone. Being in love with yourself has to feel better than loving on a battlefield when you don't even know what the war is about. It can be hard to convince other people (and even yourself) that you don't need a second half especially this time of year when you're around friends and family and they look at you like you have a second head when you walk in alone. The reality of it is that if you have a part time, no good raggedy somebody on your side, people will look at you just as crazy so you might as well do you and keep your sanity.

One is the lonliest number but it can also be of the greatest. Every now and then, we have to take time to realize the power of one. You only get one heart and one person has the power to decide who is worthy of your love. One person has the power to decide on your happiness.  Only you know when to jump in and when to fall back and sometimes, you have to fall back in order to make the jump worth your time.

Tales from My Notebook...Volume I

     This is something I wrote about a year ago while I was reading "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant. It was during the beginning stages of some major life changes, so I kinda took it to church a lil bit.

"What we must do at all times is remember that the God that is loving and helping us is the same God who will help our loved ones when we stay out of the way"

     When I read that in Inyanla Vanzant's "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" it almost startled me. For months and years and as long as I can remember, I've always seemed to take on and carry the weight of others. I have always felt like I was born to help others. I have a spirit to assit, uplift and motivate people and that really is what I set out to do everyday.
     At work, going SO deep and SO hard into the personal lives of those I was paid to help, that in retrospect, I was making my job 5 times more stressful than it needed to be. And that was on a good day. At home, I was busy trying to help somebody else realize his own potential and convince him to stop the non sensical, not to mention illegal activities that I inadvertently paused my own dreams. At my mom's house, I wanted so bad to help her finacially that it hendered my own progress and even now if I need recoprocation all I get is a sob story.     
     All these actions are really me refusing to "Let Go and Let God". Now I realize that my way of helping society does not have to come at the detriment of myself. I realize that whenever I have been at the lowest of the lows, broke, hurting, paining and ailing and somehow, someway I made it back to smiling, shining, stunting and dancing free it was because of God. And the same God who did that for me can do it for those who cry for my help. I simply choose to open myself up to God's blessing and I recieve. The people who choose to call on me will get no where. Why? Because I'm just me. That's it. I'm nobody's savior, alpha or omega and I'm just not Him. When I try to step IN, instead of stepping ASIDE and directing them to God, all I do is add stress to my life and block their blessings. This doesn't mean that I have to deny any and all assistance4, but I can deny to help those who aren't willing to help themselves. I can deny depriving myself and my son for people who aren't doing the best they can. I can, instead of stressing I can tell them this:

"Whatever crisis you face, pray through it. Whatever obstacle you must overcome, pray on it. Whatever miracle you are desperate for, pray for it. In times of trouble, when all seems lost, walk towards the Lord. If you can't walk, crawl. If you're too weak to crawl, just reach out to Him. He will be there. He will save you. He will never forsake you."

***I'm not sure where this quote came from but it isn't mine and but it was given to by my friend B during this same reconstruction period and I never forgot it.***

Long Distance Loving

      I'll never forget the first time I heard "Love from a distance". Ok, well I did forget some parts, but I was about 9 or so. My mom was cooking for some big deal (Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday or something) and she had me washing the dishes at the same time (Yea, she put me to work young, that's probably why I still can't wash dishes now lol). I didn't mind because I was having a good time eavesdropping while she was on the phone. I don't remember who she was talking about or what they did to piss her off but she said something like "Nah, I don't hate her, I'mma just love her from a distance."
     Me being 9 and all I stopped mid wash and did that lil thing dogs do when they kinda cock their head to one side a lil bit. I was hella confused because I thought that part of loving somebody was being close to them, especially if it was family or a close friend. How could you not see, hug, kiss, write, spend time with or talk to somebody who you "loved"? How could you not stand somebody and love them at the same time? How are you gonna put distance between you and somebody and y'all live in the same city? I think that was probably the first time I wrote my mom off as insane because as a kid, it made zero sense.

     Fast forward some years and I'm about 20, living the great life with a year of college, my own apartment and plenty of life experiences under my belt. I thought I knew firsthand about all the sayings old people say like "Make sure the left knows what the right is doing", "Don't trust anybody further than you can see em" and even "Once a cheater, always a cheater" so "Love from a distance" fell right in. I had fell out of a couple friendships and relationships by then and still had what I thought was love for the person even though I couldn't stand them and wouldn't even speak if I saw them. Yea, like I would see people and still get that same anger/hate/frustration/hurt/neglect or whatever feeling they last left me with. I would walk right past 'em at the mall, drive right off at a red light, see 'em at the club and act like I didn't know 'em hell I would definitely roll my eyes, but in my mind still knowing that this person was once valuable to me. I hadn't quite figured out what road I wanted to take with certain people so I would go off, not answer or make any phone calls and call it loving from a distance.

     It took a couple more friendship/relationship fall outs and about 4 more years for me to do it, but I learned this delicate practice not only involves distance, but love and forgiveness. I mean, you wouldn't be loving anybody from a distance if they hadn't done something that made you want to distance yourself. So, at 20 I had the distance thing down, but nobody told me about the forgiveness portion. And it's cool because honestly, I recently learned how to forgive and document (I say document instead of forgetting because honestly, I'm not going to forget anything but I can document in my mind without holding a grudge or being hung up on a certain issue) so I kinda worked it into this love from a distance thing.

     People who have fallen into my long distance love category range from childhood friends to blood siblings to ex boyfriends to the father of my son. I don't have any hate, hard feelings or ill wishes for these people. In fact, I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for them. I am generally concerned for their well being and wish them all the luck in the world for the roads they have decided to travel. I have just come to learn that everybody you fall in with doesn't have your best interest at heart (Hi B!). That doesn't mean they should be stricken from the record books, but it does mean that I don't have to or need to be bothered with these people. If you bring problems, negativity, bad karma or frankly if your bad out weighs your good, I don't need it. That doesn't mean I don't love people for the good they DID but if we aren't on the same path or if you are trying to knock me off mine, the love we had means nothing.

     So now, I can do this long distance love in peace, the right way. I can really love, appreciate and pray for people from the comfort and security of my own life without letting them or our past bring me down or drag me into their own confusion and it really feels good.