Shut Up Sometimes...

"Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has discovered an idea and thinks it's his own"
 --Sydney J. Harris


They have always said that curiosity killed the cat. I agree, because when you snoop around in something you don't have any business in, it usually comes back to burn you. However, I'm wondering if something else assisted in killing the cat. The something else I'm thinking about is arrogance. Think about it. The only reason the cat would venture into whatever is spiking his curiosity, has to be that he is CONVINCED that nothing bad can result of it. Take it like when your boo leaves to run to the store and leaves the oh so precious BlackBerry behind and you're CONVINCED that you have enough time to do a little Snoop Trooping...until they come back and you're stuck with the "I can explain" face.

Arrogance can kill you or your most precious idea. In business and in your personal life it's important to remain humble or that'll be the main ingredient in the next pie you eat. No matter how you live your life, it's not fair to judge other people or believe that your idea and your say so is "above" someone else's. Better than, that's ok. More realistic, cool. Finacially feasible, even better. But know that nobody can be right all the time...not even you. Even if everybody around you is wrong, and you not only believe but know and have proof that what you are saying is the way to go, being ignorantly obnoxious is not going to get people to see things your way.

Take example from our president. In his recent interview with Oprah, he was asked how he felt about the criticism from supporters and non-supporters and how it affects him personally.The president responded by saying that he knows what he's doing is correct and firmly stands by his decisions. He included that he can't convince or force people to believe that what he's doing is right. He can only continue to do right and eventually that light will shine. Now he was also humble enough to say that if it turns out he is wrong, he will accept the repurcussions and not try to spin his way out of it ( sneak diss to George Dubyah, and that's why I love my president).

I said that to say that we all have recieve criticism from different areas in life. Your mom, supervisor, boyfriend, child, friend, neighbor or whoever and we can't please everybody. It's ok to have confidence in how you live your life or what you believe in, but be real enough to know that we all are human and capable of being wrong. Be open to hear other people's ideas because you never know what knowledge or advantages somebody else can offer you. If you walk around like you're indestructible, it's only gonna hurt that much more when you fall down.

INDEPENDENT: The Bad and The Ugly

I hate I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T bitches.

I'm just so over this movement I don't know what to do. And to all the supporters and lovers of the "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" movement I just want you to keep these questions in mind as you read:


How are you going to "independently" be in a relationship?
How can you be "independently" married?
How are you "independently" a family?
How are you "independently" having sex with another person?

I just don't get it. I mean, maybe if I was part of  I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T movement I might be ok with this new found sense of getting something for nothing but I don't agree with "independently" going to work, "independently" paying bills, "independently" taking care of my son and then letting a nigga come fuck up my sheets...I might as well do that shit "independently" too. I mean, you want me to do all this at STILL give you some at the end of the day and you're not even gone leave me a tip on the nightstand in the morning? I don't care how you have me crawling up the walls, that shit is work too!

I saw a girl on Twitter who said that she believed the  "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" movement ruined the way black men and women relate to each other and it did. The natural balance of things is for men to provide and women to comfort. By instinct alone, a man wants to protect, provide for and support a woman and by the same right women gravitate towards doing all the stuff men are too tired to do after protecting, providing for and supporting all day. That's why we naturally want to cook for, check up on and all around cater to our man. Whether he's deserving or not, a woman feels like if it's her man (or just a dude we're "dealing with") she should do all the things he needs. And I don't do think it's anything wrong with that.

But if you're jumping around the club, tombout I.N.D.E this or five star that (I still love Yo Gotti though, *smooches*) or whatever else and all you need is that dick, how do you think that makes him feel? Especially when your bag is pleather, your shoes leant (yes, leant), your weave is nappy and your conversation is mediocre. Therefore, he treats you like all he need is that pussy and you all on Facebook saying how grief stricken you are. It goes so much deeper than that for me because the I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T movement provides this false sense of security and powerfulness in women, so that when you do need his help he looking at you like "Bitch, I thought you was independent?"

The most horrible thing about this whole movement is that women like me, who refuse to be used, lose in this situation. Why? Because when I let a man know, I am going to ask you for stuff and I don't like to be told no, they look at me like I'm crazy and I'm living in the twilight zone. Men say that they want an "independent" chick and that's cool because who wants a bitch that's just trying to suck your pockets dry, but you want me to do EVERYTHING for myself and STILL give you some?

Not that I'm this big spoiled baby, but I work hard everyday and have stresses coming from all angles. Being involved with a man is not supposed to increase these stresses. I know that no relationship is perfect or stress free but if you can't help me at least maintain but eventually improve my quality of life, there's no since in you being around. I use this philosophy when it comes to friends and jobs and men aren't any different because they have the secret weapon between their legs.

I love, love, love, love the secret weapon that men have but it's more to life than that. And when I say "improve my quality of life" that's not neccesarily "give me your whole check"...Like, if I work late on Friday's and you can take my son to the barber shop with you, that's what's up. If you can get your friends to buy clothes and pictures from me, that's what's up. If you can even fill my tank once a week to save me $50 to use towards the start up costs for my site, that's what's up...BUT if all you want is for me to come through between 10 and 5 and leave empty handed OR share all the amenities I "independently" earned, you got me wrong. Cuz shorty go her own, not OUR own right?

This may seem like gold digging or using to some but the great Mr. West (Kanye that is) said "Everybody gets used for something. If nobody can use you for anything, then consider yourself useless." So, it's something that everybody goes through. You wouldn't have a job if you couldn't provide whatever service for your employer and your employer wouldn't have you if they didn't have the money to pay you.

So, really it's not about "using", it's about knowing what you want and being able to turn away from whatever doesn't provide that. And I know what I want and it's cool that I haven't found it. I'll just be out here until then but it's two things I want to say. To the men of my generation, I just want to say all women are not "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T". I know it's a lot of them between 18-25 but it's not everybody. I just want to ask all the "I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T" women of the world to calm that shit down because y'all are making it harder for the women who are trying to build something other than a man "independently" being with us.

*steps off soapbox*

Booty Insurance

When you hear "insurance" what do you think? Most of you go into the land of how you need it for your car and if you don't have it you're scared to drive in certain areas (raise your hands with me) or maybe even if it comes with your job or is included in your mortgage. Do you think about how you need for your children or if Lil Mann falls off the top bunk you're stuck with a 50 katrillion dollar hospital bill for getting 3 stitches? Or do you think about how you have it just in case something happens to you and you need a nest egg for your children and families? All of these things are completely normal and in fact predictable, but let me ask you guys a question: If you could, would you insure ANY of your body parts? What if your fame and fortune, bread and butter or all your chickens counted on one little body part? Would you do it????

Let's explore. A lot of celebrities have insurance on their body parts, from J-Lo to Rhianna to David Beckham to Mariah. They know that their money is based on their legs or voice or in me and J-Lo's case, the BOOTY. Now, I'm no celeb but I'm working on it in my own way and I'm no idiot so I know my golden ticket is the wagon I'm draggin. I have other talents and could excel in a plethora of fields but since I like looking good and being bad, getting paid for being me is the option I'm most interested in exploring. So, with that being said let me give you the background...

Friday night. Me, drunk, sitting on the ledge of a table, 6 inch heels on, tight ass jeans, with only my booty resting on the edge of this table. I'm feeling myself outrageously. Sing it with y'all: I'm looking good, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good, yea, yea RATTLE RATTLE THUNDER CLATTER BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! I don't know what happened because I had been propped up on this table for about 5 minutes and all of the sudden, I was on the floor. I mean hard, right on my ass. You would think it was enough cushion for some pushin but nope. I feel so hard and really did hit what felt like...for lack of biological terms, my booty bone. Like seriously, I didn't even know it was bone in here but it really did hurt. I wish I could have seen the fall or my face because I'm sure it was hilarious. Ok, enough laughing. So I get up and dust my shoulders and my booty off and try to carry on with the evening but the pain was so intense I just went home. Now fast forward to Sunday night...After a hard day of nothing and cleaning, I go to take a bubble bath. I ran the water as hot as I could stand, had the bubbles flowing and had just finished blowing so I'm ready to just relax and potentially doze off in this water. As soon as I sit my meat on the porcelain, pain shudders through my bum from the same booty bone bruiser on Friday and it made me think : Do I need some booty insurance? 

I mean seriously folks I have plans for calendars, websites, more pictures with less clothes, books, promo tours, workout tapes, booty molds and whatever else merchandise you can market, sell and profit from by putting a big booty Bun E Bombshell on it. I'm just saying I'm trying to get some of the billions that flow through the booty/sex industry every year and I cannot do it with a bruised, lopsided or flat booty.

Now, I don't know if any insurance company would even listen to my claim to need booty insurance or how much it costs but if I'm trying to make it off this thing, why wouldn't I? I do know that I wish those Allstate hands would have been there to catch me Friday night! I haven't made millions of my bubble but I have made some things happen and the millions are possible. In the words of Chris Rock, you pay for insurance "in case shit happens". So, in the case I can't make million after million, I think I'mma need something. That's all I'm saying.

I know I go a little to the left, to the left sometimes but I just wanna know: If your livelihood depended on one thing, would you insure it? Why or why not?

Piercing or Tattoo or What Would You Do?

24 and a half years ago, I was born. When I looked back, some really bad things happened in May 1985 from a record number of tornadoes to a cyclone killing 10,000 in Bangladesh. Some good stuff happened too like Madonna's "Crazy For You" being #1 (ok, so I really don't know this song, but it sounds good) and Micheal Jordan was named NBA "Rookie of the Year", but most importantly (***sounds trumpets***) I WAS BORN!!!

Time really flew and I grew up fast. I lived a really, really, really, really, really, really crazy life (yes, that many really's). I learned a lot of lessons waaaaaay before a child should have to and forced to move through life skipping chapters and missing out on a lot from growing up so fast. I thought I had seen, done, been through and survived so much that by 17 I thought 25 was old. For real, my rationing was that by 25 you should be buying your first house, already married or looking to get married, established in your career field and ready to start getting old. I swear 25 was like middle age to me.

I believed this until about 2-4 months ago somebody asked me how old I was and I said 23. Then whoever I was with said, "No, bitch you 24 now. Yea, you getting up there!" And like a dagger through my heart, my stomach fell, shoulders humped, jaw dropped, eyes popped and I realized...I am getting old. So I've been slumping around town about being 25 in six months and getting the *girl, get yo' ass outta here* side eye from everybody.

The consensus seems to be that 25 is the best age to be. Right in the middle of life where you have (or should have) learned most of life's lesson and be in a great position to secure the future of your dreams. 25 is the age where you are definitely no longer a kid and getting ready to mark your place firmly in Adulthood or Aintshitnessville. Best of all, 25 is the around the age of a woman's sexual peak (yes, I'm very excited about this)!!!

So now, after being reassured that there's lots more life to live and I don't have put a pair of reader's and a cane on my Christmas list, I have to decide what to do to document the occasion. Since I've considered myself an "adult" I have always did something monumental (at least for me) on every major birthday:


16- Lost my virginity (yea, I was trying to make it like a movie but it was anything but. That's a whole 'notha story though)

18- Went to prom (yes, senior prom was on my birthday. I thought I was the shit!) and got my tongue pierced with Brittany

21- Had Malik ( or was preggers at least. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how it was and it was pretty monumental.) and went to go see Gucci Mane (FREE GUCCI!) perform my all time Gucci favorite "Go 'Head" (or "Shorty Got A Ass On Her" for those of you who make up song titles) with Michelle and some other girl.

It's only been 3 birthdays but I'd like to "keep the party going" and continue with the tradition at 25 and I don't know what to do to mark me being a quarter of a century old. I guess 25 does sound old when you put it like that but that's my point. 25 is old and young and I am right where I should be. So I want to do something extra stupid crazy to mark the occasion.

I was thinking something like a tatoo or another piercing since I'm so over my tongue ring...Maybe go somewhere I haven't been yet like NY/LA...Cut all my hair off...See that last one is a NO GO! I can't do something crazy like rock a effin low cut! No offense to the low cut women of the world, I just know my head and a low cut is like fat people in little cars. JUST WRONG! So this is a plea to all of my innanet friends worldwide, older and younger than 25. What should I do for my 25th birthday????

Living Single

One day about a year ago, I was riding the train and in front of me sat a man and woman and in front of them sat another man and woman. In between both couples sat nothing. Not even air. Both couples were kissing, molesting and attacking each other with great passion, zest and fire. And I sat there being nagged by a then 2 year old over some damn Gatorade.

Being relationship and PDA free for quite some time now was starting to settle in and the ugly little person in green clothing started to knock on the train window begging to be let in the train, my brain and my heart. That's when I realized I didn't want to be one of those people and that's why I'm still single.

By one of "those" people, I mean the people who live to be their  version of "in love" whether or not the relationship is meaningless, abusive and dead end drama filled. The people who are always one half of a nothing ass situation. The people who just have to be part of a duo, never a solo act.

Not to sound like a Bitter Betty or anything because being in loved, being loved and simply loving somebody are all great things, when done right and that's how I want to do it. I can't get caught up in the cold weather blues. Everybody has had the cold weather blues once or twice so don't act brand new. It happens around now, before the holidays and after the indian summer when you have that one last boo thang from the summer hanging on and you just jump headfirst into a relationship because he/she is still around. Now, I'm no angel lol. I do date and I...let's just say "have my fun", but over the past 18 months I have spent a lot of time getting myself together, getting to know myself and what value I bring to any kind of relationship I'm involved in and refuse to let my hard work go to waste.

Things like physical, emotional and financial (yes, financial) abuse are all things nobody deserves to go through, I have to think that if people took more time to discover themselves and what they are worth, they would be in a better postion to get out of and not tolerate these situations. Not saying that anybody deserves these things, but it's been proven that low self esteem is a big factor in keeping people in these situations and I just have to believe that if people took a little more time to know and love themselves then they could see when a ugly situation is rearing it's head.

All I'm saying is I love too hard to just give it away because it's cold outside or because I'm just tired of being alone. Being in love with yourself has to feel better than loving on a battlefield when you don't even know what the war is about. It can be hard to convince other people (and even yourself) that you don't need a second half especially this time of year when you're around friends and family and they look at you like you have a second head when you walk in alone. The reality of it is that if you have a part time, no good raggedy somebody on your side, people will look at you just as crazy so you might as well do you and keep your sanity.

One is the lonliest number but it can also be of the greatest. Every now and then, we have to take time to realize the power of one. You only get one heart and one person has the power to decide who is worthy of your love. One person has the power to decide on your happiness.  Only you know when to jump in and when to fall back and sometimes, you have to fall back in order to make the jump worth your time.

Tales from My Notebook...Volume I

     This is something I wrote about a year ago while I was reading "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant. It was during the beginning stages of some major life changes, so I kinda took it to church a lil bit.

"What we must do at all times is remember that the God that is loving and helping us is the same God who will help our loved ones when we stay out of the way"

     When I read that in Inyanla Vanzant's "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" it almost startled me. For months and years and as long as I can remember, I've always seemed to take on and carry the weight of others. I have always felt like I was born to help others. I have a spirit to assit, uplift and motivate people and that really is what I set out to do everyday.
     At work, going SO deep and SO hard into the personal lives of those I was paid to help, that in retrospect, I was making my job 5 times more stressful than it needed to be. And that was on a good day. At home, I was busy trying to help somebody else realize his own potential and convince him to stop the non sensical, not to mention illegal activities that I inadvertently paused my own dreams. At my mom's house, I wanted so bad to help her finacially that it hendered my own progress and even now if I need recoprocation all I get is a sob story.     
     All these actions are really me refusing to "Let Go and Let God". Now I realize that my way of helping society does not have to come at the detriment of myself. I realize that whenever I have been at the lowest of the lows, broke, hurting, paining and ailing and somehow, someway I made it back to smiling, shining, stunting and dancing free it was because of God. And the same God who did that for me can do it for those who cry for my help. I simply choose to open myself up to God's blessing and I recieve. The people who choose to call on me will get no where. Why? Because I'm just me. That's it. I'm nobody's savior, alpha or omega and I'm just not Him. When I try to step IN, instead of stepping ASIDE and directing them to God, all I do is add stress to my life and block their blessings. This doesn't mean that I have to deny any and all assistance4, but I can deny to help those who aren't willing to help themselves. I can deny depriving myself and my son for people who aren't doing the best they can. I can, instead of stressing I can tell them this:

"Whatever crisis you face, pray through it. Whatever obstacle you must overcome, pray on it. Whatever miracle you are desperate for, pray for it. In times of trouble, when all seems lost, walk towards the Lord. If you can't walk, crawl. If you're too weak to crawl, just reach out to Him. He will be there. He will save you. He will never forsake you."

***I'm not sure where this quote came from but it isn't mine and but it was given to by my friend B during this same reconstruction period and I never forgot it.***

Long Distance Loving

      I'll never forget the first time I heard "Love from a distance". Ok, well I did forget some parts, but I was about 9 or so. My mom was cooking for some big deal (Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday or something) and she had me washing the dishes at the same time (Yea, she put me to work young, that's probably why I still can't wash dishes now lol). I didn't mind because I was having a good time eavesdropping while she was on the phone. I don't remember who she was talking about or what they did to piss her off but she said something like "Nah, I don't hate her, I'mma just love her from a distance."
     Me being 9 and all I stopped mid wash and did that lil thing dogs do when they kinda cock their head to one side a lil bit. I was hella confused because I thought that part of loving somebody was being close to them, especially if it was family or a close friend. How could you not see, hug, kiss, write, spend time with or talk to somebody who you "loved"? How could you not stand somebody and love them at the same time? How are you gonna put distance between you and somebody and y'all live in the same city? I think that was probably the first time I wrote my mom off as insane because as a kid, it made zero sense.

     Fast forward some years and I'm about 20, living the great life with a year of college, my own apartment and plenty of life experiences under my belt. I thought I knew firsthand about all the sayings old people say like "Make sure the left knows what the right is doing", "Don't trust anybody further than you can see em" and even "Once a cheater, always a cheater" so "Love from a distance" fell right in. I had fell out of a couple friendships and relationships by then and still had what I thought was love for the person even though I couldn't stand them and wouldn't even speak if I saw them. Yea, like I would see people and still get that same anger/hate/frustration/hurt/neglect or whatever feeling they last left me with. I would walk right past 'em at the mall, drive right off at a red light, see 'em at the club and act like I didn't know 'em hell I would definitely roll my eyes, but in my mind still knowing that this person was once valuable to me. I hadn't quite figured out what road I wanted to take with certain people so I would go off, not answer or make any phone calls and call it loving from a distance.

     It took a couple more friendship/relationship fall outs and about 4 more years for me to do it, but I learned this delicate practice not only involves distance, but love and forgiveness. I mean, you wouldn't be loving anybody from a distance if they hadn't done something that made you want to distance yourself. So, at 20 I had the distance thing down, but nobody told me about the forgiveness portion. And it's cool because honestly, I recently learned how to forgive and document (I say document instead of forgetting because honestly, I'm not going to forget anything but I can document in my mind without holding a grudge or being hung up on a certain issue) so I kinda worked it into this love from a distance thing.

     People who have fallen into my long distance love category range from childhood friends to blood siblings to ex boyfriends to the father of my son. I don't have any hate, hard feelings or ill wishes for these people. In fact, I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for them. I am generally concerned for their well being and wish them all the luck in the world for the roads they have decided to travel. I have just come to learn that everybody you fall in with doesn't have your best interest at heart (Hi B!). That doesn't mean they should be stricken from the record books, but it does mean that I don't have to or need to be bothered with these people. If you bring problems, negativity, bad karma or frankly if your bad out weighs your good, I don't need it. That doesn't mean I don't love people for the good they DID but if we aren't on the same path or if you are trying to knock me off mine, the love we had means nothing.

     So now, I can do this long distance love in peace, the right way. I can really love, appreciate and pray for people from the comfort and security of my own life without letting them or our past bring me down or drag me into their own confusion and it really feels good.

New Pictures Up On MySpace

So, I know a lot of people refer to Myspace as the dirty, pissy hallways of the Internet, but I'm still on MySpace. As a matter of fact, I just posted new pictures from the Superstar photoshoot I did with Fat Cat Clothing Co. here in St. Louis. Included are some of my first ever swimsuit photos, of which I am pretty proud! Check out the pics and let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Run, Run, Roses, Run

Geez Louise! Since moving last Friday, I haven't done anything except run, run, run. From taking Liky to school, to work, to grocery store, dollar store or whatever errands need to be ran, to getting Liky from school, home, clean a little, cook, putting the boys to bed, a little more cleaning then bed myself, I haven't had anytime to do anything while doing everything at the same time. In the middle of my running today, I was running over my list of runs to be ran when I realized, I haven't even stopped to smell the roses.

I've heard the saying "Stop and smell the roses" over and over again in my 24 years, but it never hit home until today. I realized that even though I am getting a lot of things done and working on even more, that my whole life is one "To Do" list after another. Making a list of what needs to be done works for me, so when one list is completed I make another and that's how I stay on track.I even have to put things like "Go see Grandma" on the list or it won't get done in the whirlwind of my life and you would think that having to do that would make me realize that things are getting out of hand. Yet still, "Me time", "Play with the boys in the backyard" or even "Take a shot, roll up and enjoy the new house" is on the list or even remotely close to making the list.

Like Wayne said "I wake up in the morning, take a piss and wash my hands, take a knee and thank the man and get back to the money!" And without a doubt, everyday that's what I do. I get back to the money, to my son, to my family and friends, to my house and to whatever else needs to be done because I don't know who else is going to do it. I forgot that He would. I had to realize that all my running and trying to fit everything into one day/week/month may be because of a lack of faith. I won't say lack of because I still believe, but I often take on a lot thinking that I have to do everything myself. I forget that I'm not working alone on these things and He is here with me. I forgot that He works with me on so many things not so I can say I did this or that, but so that I can enjoy the fruits of my labor and my life. I forgot that I only live once and while there are things that need to be done, I have to live this one life at the same time.

I recently asked someone about a friend of his and he said "She's not doing to good. She just got laid off." I expressed my sympathies but asked how she was doing otherwise and he couldn't tell me. The friend has turned into one of those people who are consumed with work but when the job was gone so was her life. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want my obituary to list job after job, accomplishment after accomplishment and have a funeral full of former co-workers, bosses and friends who I haven't had time for.  I want people to be able to say they enjoyed me while I was here or that I'm somebody who they will miss and who was loved and all that good stuff. Not, I worked a lot and had a bad attitude because I was so stressed while working. It's bad enough that I won't be able to smell the flowers people will bring to me when I pass, so I might as well go out and smell my own while I'm able.

Step 1

Ok, so I was going to tell this to a good friend of mine but due to both of using Cricket (*evil rays to Cricket towers*), there was a series of missed calls, accidental voicemails and hang ups so I couldn't get through to her. However, I really have to get this off of my chest and since I can't tell her, I'll tell the world and hopefully somewhere, somebody will read this and be able to take something from it. Here goes...

When you have that gut feeling to do something, do it. When you always ALMOST do something, the thing thats holding you back is most of the time the devil presenting himself in the form of fear. Before I get onto my soapbox, let me tell you that I am not a religious zelic. I don't even go to church regulary but I do have a close relationship with my God. I do know that Him and his love for me and my son has helped me accomplish the things I have in the past year and right now I don't want you to miss out on the this. With each day I feel a new sense of life, a new chance to grow and learn new things. Each day I feel more and more blessed as blessings fall unto me uncontrollably. I feel and I am a different person inside and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. 

With that being said, I never would have experienced this feeling or know what this new life would be like if I had let fear of moving on and stepping out stop me. Whenever you are about to make a big move BUT or you were going to do this UNTIL don't let those things stop you. Whatever the obstacle is, know that it isn't permanent. These things are to be considered a test on two levels. A test from God to see how bad you want whatever is on the other side and an attempt from the Devil to deter you from your path. Sometimes, you have to take that step. Take that step and pray for God to guide your footsteps and take you down the right path in accordance to His will. Or better yet, just step out on faith. Just go and KNOW that everything is going to be ok. I don't want to sound like Nike commercial but Just Do It! I'll be praying for you.

Picture Perfect

     Going through my life, I see that I am capable of more and more things. Whether with bills, relationships, jobs or even family issues, with each downfall I experience I always come back harder and better. I know that hardships come and go (often one being harder than the previous) and that it'll only be a matter of time before things are back to normal. I don't fret in hard times because that never really has worked for me.
     What works for me is to be emotional (read: cry) if need be and then sit down and relax to analyze all my options. Being the optimist that I am, I normally look for the brighter side of things as opposed to the darker and most times I can find light at the end of the tunnel. My thing is that sometimes the tunnels are longer, darker or bigger than I expect and sometimes they may even have a sharp curve or two. It drives me crazy when this happens because knowing that no obstacle can stop me, these tunnels seem more like an inconvience. You know, like when you have to wait for a train to pass. It's something you can't get around and you know you'll be on the other side soon but it costs you 5 minutes to an hour out of your day and really fucks things up. See, I know that I'm going to make it through whatever, I just hate the pause in progress that goes along overcoming obstacles. So when these pauses occur, naturally it drives me bananas.    

Well, it used to anyway. I have come to accept, that I am not perfect. I don't have all the answers and sometimes I may not have any answers. All I can do in any situation is what I think is best. It may not always be the best decision in the long run or it may not be a good decision at all. I have to simply pray for strength/guidance/direction, make the best decision and see what happens. I cannot be upset if the outcome isn't pleasing to everybody or even to myself. Just take what happens, absorb it, then pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep walking. I cannot punish or beat up myself for not always making the best decisions or not always pleasing everybody.

I have to face the music and sing the song that the world should be singing. No matter how good I think I am, I am not perfect. I cannot expect to give perfection to others and others shouldn't expect it from me. To do so is unfair and is a catalyst to an insane asylum because perfection cannot be attained. All I can offer is my ultimate best, my hardest work and my sincere attempts to be a better person.

Moving Day

I live in a pretty cool house (except it has no storage space really) in a pretty cool neighborhood (except it's in the middle of one of the murder capitals of the country). It's a pretty cool size (except we had to rearrange the layout to make enough room) with a pretty cool backyard (except the gate has to be rigged shut and the grass/weeds grow too damn fast). It has a pretty cool landlord (except he doesn't want to fix shit including the janky gate in the backyard that was responsible for Mitch running away) and pretty cool neighbors (except I think the one to left is a workaholic {work-a-ho-lic: someone who partakes in the smoking of work on any level; someone who lives and dies to smoke work, work, work therefore making said person a workaholic} and the one to the right has a daughter who is a workaholic).

     So, when the time came for me to decide whether to move or renew the lease, I took all of these things into consideration. I named all the good things about the apartment but noticed I wasn't able to allow myself to forget about the bad. No matter what positive I could come up with, I had a negative on deck ready to shut it down. Like I said, the landlord is cool but he doesn't want to fix anything. The neighbor is cool except when she is...I"ll say allegedly high. The yard is cool except anybody can walk in on the boys. Then I said to myself "Self, this house has a lot of amenities but look at all the exceptions you have to make for said amenities."

     It made me realize that by saying the house /yard/neighbor/landlord was cool EXCEPT, I was only trying to convince myself that these things are acceptable when in fact, they are not. I normally go back and forth on any decision I make because I want to look at things from all sides. If I think something is a good idea, I try to convince myself of any bad that may come out of it and the same if I think something is a bad move. Before I cancel anything out as bad, I try to convince myself as to how it may be good. In this siutation, it's definitely time to move. No more convincing myself that this is an ok situation. No need to stay in a situation that is presumed good until...
     ...until you think about all the negative that comes from said situation.
     ...until you realize that the good days are undeniably outnumbered by the bad ones.
     ...until the few amenities no longer make up for all the bullshit that comes along.

And just like that, I'm moving on and out of this house and away from anything or anybody that reminds me of this house. Anybody, anything that I have to convince myself to be a part of but without being able to forget about what I thought was negative has to go. Anything, anybody that I have had to question their loyalty to me or concern for my or my son's well being has to go. Anybody who isn't in me or Liky's best interest has to go. And that's that.
     So tomorrow, moving day, I'm going to take a look at everything going on that truck to be absolutely sure that only positive, encouraging vibes are going with me. And once I leave the key in the mailbox, and everything is on the way to the new house yea I'm going to cry. And I'm going to cry when I pull up into the new house, and probably when I put the boys to bed. And it'll be for this house and all the things that remind me of the house. Not because I'll miss it, but because I'm so excited to get started on my new beginning.