New Pictures Up On MySpace

So, I know a lot of people refer to Myspace as the dirty, pissy hallways of the Internet, but I'm still on MySpace. As a matter of fact, I just posted new pictures from the Superstar photoshoot I did with Fat Cat Clothing Co. here in St. Louis. Included are some of my first ever swimsuit photos, of which I am pretty proud! Check out the pics and let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Run, Run, Roses, Run

Geez Louise! Since moving last Friday, I haven't done anything except run, run, run. From taking Liky to school, to work, to grocery store, dollar store or whatever errands need to be ran, to getting Liky from school, home, clean a little, cook, putting the boys to bed, a little more cleaning then bed myself, I haven't had anytime to do anything while doing everything at the same time. In the middle of my running today, I was running over my list of runs to be ran when I realized, I haven't even stopped to smell the roses.

I've heard the saying "Stop and smell the roses" over and over again in my 24 years, but it never hit home until today. I realized that even though I am getting a lot of things done and working on even more, that my whole life is one "To Do" list after another. Making a list of what needs to be done works for me, so when one list is completed I make another and that's how I stay on track.I even have to put things like "Go see Grandma" on the list or it won't get done in the whirlwind of my life and you would think that having to do that would make me realize that things are getting out of hand. Yet still, "Me time", "Play with the boys in the backyard" or even "Take a shot, roll up and enjoy the new house" is on the list or even remotely close to making the list.

Like Wayne said "I wake up in the morning, take a piss and wash my hands, take a knee and thank the man and get back to the money!" And without a doubt, everyday that's what I do. I get back to the money, to my son, to my family and friends, to my house and to whatever else needs to be done because I don't know who else is going to do it. I forgot that He would. I had to realize that all my running and trying to fit everything into one day/week/month may be because of a lack of faith. I won't say lack of because I still believe, but I often take on a lot thinking that I have to do everything myself. I forget that I'm not working alone on these things and He is here with me. I forgot that He works with me on so many things not so I can say I did this or that, but so that I can enjoy the fruits of my labor and my life. I forgot that I only live once and while there are things that need to be done, I have to live this one life at the same time.

I recently asked someone about a friend of his and he said "She's not doing to good. She just got laid off." I expressed my sympathies but asked how she was doing otherwise and he couldn't tell me. The friend has turned into one of those people who are consumed with work but when the job was gone so was her life. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want my obituary to list job after job, accomplishment after accomplishment and have a funeral full of former co-workers, bosses and friends who I haven't had time for.  I want people to be able to say they enjoyed me while I was here or that I'm somebody who they will miss and who was loved and all that good stuff. Not, I worked a lot and had a bad attitude because I was so stressed while working. It's bad enough that I won't be able to smell the flowers people will bring to me when I pass, so I might as well go out and smell my own while I'm able.

Step 1

Ok, so I was going to tell this to a good friend of mine but due to both of using Cricket (*evil rays to Cricket towers*), there was a series of missed calls, accidental voicemails and hang ups so I couldn't get through to her. However, I really have to get this off of my chest and since I can't tell her, I'll tell the world and hopefully somewhere, somebody will read this and be able to take something from it. Here goes...

When you have that gut feeling to do something, do it. When you always ALMOST do something, the thing thats holding you back is most of the time the devil presenting himself in the form of fear. Before I get onto my soapbox, let me tell you that I am not a religious zelic. I don't even go to church regulary but I do have a close relationship with my God. I do know that Him and his love for me and my son has helped me accomplish the things I have in the past year and right now I don't want you to miss out on the this. With each day I feel a new sense of life, a new chance to grow and learn new things. Each day I feel more and more blessed as blessings fall unto me uncontrollably. I feel and I am a different person inside and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. 

With that being said, I never would have experienced this feeling or know what this new life would be like if I had let fear of moving on and stepping out stop me. Whenever you are about to make a big move BUT or you were going to do this UNTIL don't let those things stop you. Whatever the obstacle is, know that it isn't permanent. These things are to be considered a test on two levels. A test from God to see how bad you want whatever is on the other side and an attempt from the Devil to deter you from your path. Sometimes, you have to take that step. Take that step and pray for God to guide your footsteps and take you down the right path in accordance to His will. Or better yet, just step out on faith. Just go and KNOW that everything is going to be ok. I don't want to sound like Nike commercial but Just Do It! I'll be praying for you.

Picture Perfect

     Going through my life, I see that I am capable of more and more things. Whether with bills, relationships, jobs or even family issues, with each downfall I experience I always come back harder and better. I know that hardships come and go (often one being harder than the previous) and that it'll only be a matter of time before things are back to normal. I don't fret in hard times because that never really has worked for me.
     What works for me is to be emotional (read: cry) if need be and then sit down and relax to analyze all my options. Being the optimist that I am, I normally look for the brighter side of things as opposed to the darker and most times I can find light at the end of the tunnel. My thing is that sometimes the tunnels are longer, darker or bigger than I expect and sometimes they may even have a sharp curve or two. It drives me crazy when this happens because knowing that no obstacle can stop me, these tunnels seem more like an inconvience. You know, like when you have to wait for a train to pass. It's something you can't get around and you know you'll be on the other side soon but it costs you 5 minutes to an hour out of your day and really fucks things up. See, I know that I'm going to make it through whatever, I just hate the pause in progress that goes along overcoming obstacles. So when these pauses occur, naturally it drives me bananas.    

Well, it used to anyway. I have come to accept, that I am not perfect. I don't have all the answers and sometimes I may not have any answers. All I can do in any situation is what I think is best. It may not always be the best decision in the long run or it may not be a good decision at all. I have to simply pray for strength/guidance/direction, make the best decision and see what happens. I cannot be upset if the outcome isn't pleasing to everybody or even to myself. Just take what happens, absorb it, then pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep walking. I cannot punish or beat up myself for not always making the best decisions or not always pleasing everybody.

I have to face the music and sing the song that the world should be singing. No matter how good I think I am, I am not perfect. I cannot expect to give perfection to others and others shouldn't expect it from me. To do so is unfair and is a catalyst to an insane asylum because perfection cannot be attained. All I can offer is my ultimate best, my hardest work and my sincere attempts to be a better person.

Moving Day

I live in a pretty cool house (except it has no storage space really) in a pretty cool neighborhood (except it's in the middle of one of the murder capitals of the country). It's a pretty cool size (except we had to rearrange the layout to make enough room) with a pretty cool backyard (except the gate has to be rigged shut and the grass/weeds grow too damn fast). It has a pretty cool landlord (except he doesn't want to fix shit including the janky gate in the backyard that was responsible for Mitch running away) and pretty cool neighbors (except I think the one to left is a workaholic {work-a-ho-lic: someone who partakes in the smoking of work on any level; someone who lives and dies to smoke work, work, work therefore making said person a workaholic} and the one to the right has a daughter who is a workaholic).

     So, when the time came for me to decide whether to move or renew the lease, I took all of these things into consideration. I named all the good things about the apartment but noticed I wasn't able to allow myself to forget about the bad. No matter what positive I could come up with, I had a negative on deck ready to shut it down. Like I said, the landlord is cool but he doesn't want to fix anything. The neighbor is cool except when she is...I"ll say allegedly high. The yard is cool except anybody can walk in on the boys. Then I said to myself "Self, this house has a lot of amenities but look at all the exceptions you have to make for said amenities."

     It made me realize that by saying the house /yard/neighbor/landlord was cool EXCEPT, I was only trying to convince myself that these things are acceptable when in fact, they are not. I normally go back and forth on any decision I make because I want to look at things from all sides. If I think something is a good idea, I try to convince myself of any bad that may come out of it and the same if I think something is a bad move. Before I cancel anything out as bad, I try to convince myself as to how it may be good. In this siutation, it's definitely time to move. No more convincing myself that this is an ok situation. No need to stay in a situation that is presumed good until...
     ...until you think about all the negative that comes from said situation.
     ...until you realize that the good days are undeniably outnumbered by the bad ones.
     ...until the few amenities no longer make up for all the bullshit that comes along.

And just like that, I'm moving on and out of this house and away from anything or anybody that reminds me of this house. Anybody, anything that I have to convince myself to be a part of but without being able to forget about what I thought was negative has to go. Anything, anybody that I have had to question their loyalty to me or concern for my or my son's well being has to go. Anybody who isn't in me or Liky's best interest has to go. And that's that.
     So tomorrow, moving day, I'm going to take a look at everything going on that truck to be absolutely sure that only positive, encouraging vibes are going with me. And once I leave the key in the mailbox, and everything is on the way to the new house yea I'm going to cry. And I'm going to cry when I pull up into the new house, and probably when I put the boys to bed. And it'll be for this house and all the things that remind me of the house. Not because I'll miss it, but because I'm so excited to get started on my new beginning.